


130 Things I Am No Longer Allowed To Do At Hogwarts

by snowspell



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: I Solemnly Swear That I Am Up To No Good, Skippy's List, This is what happens when I'm given cold medication
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-18
Updated: 2014-08-18
Packaged: 2018-02-13 15:38:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2155950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowspell/pseuds/snowspell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If you've ever read Skippy's List, you'll recognize where a lot of this came from.  I blame this on being hopped up on a truly spectacular combination of cold medication, raging fever, watching Harry Potter to make myself feel better and unlimited access to the internet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	130 Things I Am No Longer Allowed To Do At Hogwarts

1\. Not allowed to watch Weird Sisters music videos in my crystal ball during Divination.

2\. My proper name is “Miss Zancani” or “Helena” not “Darth Maul”.

3\. Not allowed to threaten anyone with American dark arts called “Voodoo”.

4\. Not allowed to challenge anyone’s disbelief of Voodoo by asking for hair.

5\. Not allowed to use transfiguration to create male body parts on myself.

6\. Potions is also not to be used for this activity.

7\. Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy” to the end of answers I give to any question a professor asks me.

8\. Also not allowed to answer all of Prof. Snapes/Draco Malfoy’s/Harry Potter’s questions with “As you wish.” Especially if they have seen The Princess Bride.

9\. Not allowed to send ‘proof’ to the Ministry of Magic that any professors I don’t like are really Death Eaters.

10\. Even if Ron thinks I’m right.

11\. I am not allowed to purchase anyone’s soul on Hogwarts grounds.

12\. Should I come into possession of someone’s soul the proper procedure is to return it to its rightful owner, not sell it at auction to the Slytherins.

13\. Not allowed to form a Student Militia. Potter’s club was an exception not the rule.

14\. Or to form Student Hit Squads…I am to assume anything Prof Umberidge did is not allowed.

15\. Not allowed out of my dorm when the Ministry visits.

16\. Not allowed to train my familiar to “Sic Prof!”

17\. God may not contradict any professor’s orders.

18\. Taking a Prefect’s badge does not make me a Prefect.

19\. Nor does it give me authority over the student body.

20\. Hogwarts does not have ‘casual Fridays’ and I should stop petitioning the Headmaster about this.

21\. Sexual jokes about the ‘head’master are never appropriate.

22\. May not show the (in)famous 'Skippy's List' to the Weasley twins.

23\. May not call any professor immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I’m right.

24\. Must address the Potions Master as “Professor Snape” not “Princess Pearly-pants”.

25\. Must not ask any professors if they have been smoking crack.

26\. While I normally should answer all professors’ questions, I should not attempt to explain ‘crack’ as a recreational item.

27\. Must not tell any professor that I am smarter than them, especially if it’s true.

28\. Must not encourage Hermione Granger to do this either.

29\. Never tell a graduate of Drumstang that “We kicked your ass in the Tri-Wiz!”

30\. Not allowed to wake a Prefect by giving Peeves details directions and my stash of Weasley Wizard Wheezes products.

31\. Not allowed to let stuffed animals take responsibility for any of my actions.

32\. Even if it is charmed to talk.

33\. Not allowed to chew Drooble’s Best Blowing Gum in class, unless I brought enough for everybody.

34\. (Next day) Not allowed to chew Drooble’s Best Blowing Gum in class even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.

35\. Not allowed to sing “High Speed Dirt” by Megadeth during quiddich games. (“See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker”)

36\. May not have spontaneous “Past Life Regressions” during Divination class. It’s cruel.

37\. May not post signs on classroom doors reading, “Do not Feed the Professors”.

38\. Calling Madam Pomfrey “Dr. Feelgood” will get me detention and cleaning the bedpans duty.

39\. May not call either of the Weasley twins my “Sugar Daddy” even if they do give me what I need.

40\. May not call either of the Weasley twins my “Sugar Daddy” even if I have written permission from said twins.

41\. Skiving Snack boxes are not a required school item.

42\. Even if I do add it to my School Supplies list.

43\. Not excused from class due to the world ending more than once.

44\. Even if You-Know-Who attacks every year.

45\. I am not authorized to fire professors.

46\. Even if they are complete rubbish at their subject.

47\. Not allowed to give Mr. Weasley a Goldberg Invention book as he will think it’s actual Muggle technology.

48\. I am not a citizen of Mirkwood or Loth Lorien.

49\. “But the Weasley twins did it!” is not an appropriate reason for *anything* I do....even breathing.

50\. “Curses don’t kill people, Slytherin’s kill people.” is not an appropriate protest slogan.

51\. May not send vetoed protest slogans to You-Know-Who for consideration as campaign slogans.

52\. Even if he did like them.

53\. May not explain Napalm to You-Know-Who.

54\. Explaining it to any of the Slytherins is a bad idea.

55\. The proper response to a professor’s order is not “Why?”

56\. The following words are not acceptable substitutes during the singing of the Hogwarts school song: Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this school and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, all Gryffindors are latent sexual deviants, Tantric yoga, slut puppy, or any references to the giant squid.

57\. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of the school administration.

58\. May not make posters giving plausible reasons why You-Know-Who is the true head of the school administration.

59\. It is better to beg forgiveness than ask permission, no longer applies to Miss Zancani.

60\. May not have or borrow a Niffler for any reason.

61\. Professor’s decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a school body vote.

62\. May not sell inflatable dolls of the student body.

63\. May not sell inflatable dolls of the student body’s parents, even if they are ‘Hot sellers’. Draco Malfoy is not amused by this.

64\. May not sell Voodoo dolls of the professors.

65\. May not sell buttons saying, “Beware the ire of Gryffindors, for you are crunchy and good with catsup.”

66\. This rule also applies to, “Slytherins like Mudbloods, dipped in chocolate.”

67\. May not sell anything at school. Period.

68\. Prof. Snape is not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.

69\. Must not tease Prof. Snape by telling him Hogwarts is opening a Professor of Psychological Warfare position.

70\. I may not line my witch’s hat with tin foil to “Block out the space mind control lasers”.

71\. May not pretend to be a Death Eater at school.

72\. May not pretend to be a Dementor at school.

73\. Even if I am better at it than the real thing.

74\. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.

75\. Controlled substances are still controlled in the Wizarding world and I should not distribute them to the student body.

76\. Especially without their knowledge.

77\. I must not flaunt my deviances in front of the Ministry Officials.

78\. I may not petition the School Board to include ‘Skyclad’ as an acceptable school uniform.

79\. May not conduct psychological experiments on the student body.

80\. Even if Prof. Snape will give me extra credit for them.

81\. When Mr. Filch collects permission forms for Hogsmeade Weekends it is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell him, “You don’t need to see my form, these are not the druids you are looking for.”

82\. I am not the Moon Princess, nor am I on a quest to find my senshi.

83\. I am not allowed to convince any pureblood boys that a muggle formal dress is actually the latest design of formal *robes*.

84\. Anything that would be considered part of the Care of Magic Creatures curriculum is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.

85\. May not form press gangs, or convince Prefects to form press gangs.

86\. May not challenge professors to a Wizards duel. Especially Prof. Snape as he is a duelist.

87\. May not challenge professors to a Muggle duel either.

88\. May not see if house elves go “squish”.

89\. May not start any essay with “I recently had an experience I just had to write you about…” or “Dear Penthouse,”

90\. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

91\. Telling the Weasley twins of any idea that makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds will still get me detention as an abettor.

92\. May not initiate Jihad.

93\. Crucifixes do not ward of professors, and I should not test that.

94\. I may not pay students to try potions. Especially if I haven’t told them what the potion will do.

95\. Rule #94 also applies if I don’t *know* what it will do.

96\. “There is no Miss Zancani, there is only Zul,” is not an appropriate answer to role call.

97\. The appropriate response to an attack by Deatheaters is not “Tell the professor’s what I really think of them, and outline them in fairy fire to make them better targets.”

98\. Sticking green “icky face” poison stickers on all of the potions ingredients in Prof. Snape’s classroom was not funny.

99\. The Womping Willow does not have a hollow filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell first year’s that it does.

100\. It is also wrong to tell Muggleborns that bludgers are wizarding piñatas.

101\. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on my broom.

102\. Especially during quiddich games.

103\. Unless an animal is a witch or wizard in animagus form it is not entitles to a “war hero’s” burial, even if it did die “in the line of duty”.

104\. Prof. Dumbledore’s first name is not Merlin, Gandalf, Radagast, or Fallstaff and I should stop telling people that it is.

105\. May not switch pumpkin juice with vodka and orange food coloring.

106\. The school rules clearly state that it is a non smoking environment and I should not light students on fire to test that.

107\. I may not trade school equipment for any of the following: booze, cigarettes, sexual favors, military equipment, small children, or bootleg anything.

108\. Must not mock ministry decisions in front of the press.

109\. Must not taunt Purebloods even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and inbred. *Hi Pansy*

110\. I am not authorized to change school policy.

111\. I may not enchant the school PA to play, “Let’s get it on” every time Potter and Malfoy get in a fight.

112\. Nor may I enchant it to play “Opposites Attract”.

113\. I am not licensed to fly a dragon. Or a tank.

114\. Never, ever, call Millicent Bolstrode “Sherma the Tank”, especially to her face.

115\. I will not greet Prof. Snape on the first day of potions with, “So washed out of DADA again, huh?”

116\. I cannot trade members of the student body for cute guys/girls from Beaubatons. Even if there are Muggle Foreign Exchange programs.

117\. May not bring battery operated sexual devices to Muggle Studies class for show and tell.

118\. I should not speculate on the penis size of any member of the staff.

119\. Crucifying mice is not an appropriate spring holiday decoration, even if it does relate to muggle religion.

120\. I may not use school equipment to create pornography.

121\. If/when Hogwarts holds a costume ball I may not go as Venus De Milo, long hair is *not* a costume.

122\. School rules may not be changed by majority vote.

123\. I may not take house points from professors, even if they are the Head of that house.

124\. I should not distribute dirty magazines under the guise of physical education material.

125\. Unstable potions ingredients should not be stored in dorm rooms.

126\. I should not teach students offensive Latin phrases under the guise of teaching them new spells.

127\. May not call Mad Eye Moody a druggy or boozer even if he always drinks from a hip flask.

128\. “Shpadoinkle” is not a spell and I should stop telling first years that it is.

129\. Telling Muggleborns that You-Know-Who owns Microsoft is wrong.

130\. “I’m drunk” is a bad answer to any question posed by a professor.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked this. If you did, post your favorite new hogwarts 'rules' in the comments below!


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